The most recent Apple launch didn’t go well. I followed 4 live blogs of the event and the “#letstalkiphone” hashtag on Twitter. All conveyed the same tone.

Disappointment.

The event started with about 9 million hours worth of self-congratulatory statistics in a stunning example of death by Powerpoint. Although I suspect Apple wasn’t using Powerpoint

And what did we learn from this excruciating session? Apparently Apple employs a lot of windbags. Oh, and it’s #1 in every single category on the market. I suppose this must also include those categories it doesn’t compete in. Why, Apple even makes the best darn Windows 7 PC on the market!

Uh huh, but what about the new phone?

All 4 journalists and numerous tweeters agreed. Stop patting yourself on the back and get to the phone.

They didn’t.

Well, they did. Eventually. And it turned out to be a tweak of the iPhone 4. This is a clear example of how to blow a presentation. And so, without further ado, I present the fully patented, trademarked and litigiously ‘Apple’ approach to running a presentation…

1. Talk about how great you are – for hours
2. Prove it with plenty of Powerpoint Keynote slides
3. Talk about how many market categories you dominate
4. Prove it with plenty of Powerpoint Keynote slides
5. Talk about every other product you make except the one people are actually interested in
6. Revamp your last presentation in mind-numbingly dull detail
7. Show more Powerpoint Keynote slides
8. Reveal your new but disappointing product
9. Hope that everybody has fallen asleep and so fails to notice that your new product falls somewhat short of its competitors
10. Show more Powerpoint Keynote slides that prove how great you are

Having said all that the new iPhone looks pretty good from where I sit. Especially as my contract expires in December.

The iPhone 4S may not best the Samsung Galaxy S2, or some of the more exciting Android phones about to hit the market. But none of those phones contain my Apps and data so they’re irrelevant to me (along with 125 million other iPhone users).

EDIT: I’ve changed my mind. My iPhone 3Gs does everything I need it to do. It’s the single most useful business tool I’ve ever owned. The most useful improvement given the way I use this thing is a larger screen. So I’ve decided to wait for the iPhone 5.

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